So I’ve been bitching about my job and how much I hate it for the past couple of posts.
And the fact is, I put it out there because that’s where I was at when I wrote it. But there’s a few things to understand.
First, I am not here to put up a false front of who I am in the world. Yes, I learned to be successful with women online and have had lots of success in that area of my life. But to project the idea that I’m happy all the time or that I love every moment of my life would be a total lie. For this to be a journal, it needs to be raw and honest, not manicured and self-aggrandizing.
Second, I think it’s OK to vent, but I have always believed that no complaint should be made without a course of action. If it’s annoying enough to complain about, it’s annoying enough to handle… NOW.
So this past week I called on the friends that I’m closest to with the hopes that somebody would impart some wisdom or inspiration on me and it would help me get myself out of this spot.
Some of my friends I met online were really supportive, told me they hated seeing me so down. Some had some recommendations: get back into meditation (I should), read Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now (which I have started reading), stop being so hard on myself (they’re right).
On Wednesday, my buddy said to come out and meet him. He explained that he meets weekly with a group of guys that get together and get whatever they need off their chest so that they’re solid and don’t burden other areas of their life with their shit.
“So what, like a support group for men,” I asked. “Not exactly, more ballsy than that,” he responded in a very matter-of-fact tone.
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Now this is a guy that I trust a lot so I told him I would join him.
We met at a house that one of the men was renovating. About 8 of us guys were sitting around in this living room of half-finished floors and structures.
Scenes from the beginning of Fight Club started flashing through my head… I was just waiting to have my head pressed against Bob’s “bitch tits”.
Some of the struggles that these men were talking about made me step back and say, “Fuck, I have nothing to complain about…” These guys were saying what they had to deal with and some of it was pretty tough.
It reminded me how shitty society can be on guys.
Men are misunderstood by today’s society. Masculinity in many ways is viewed with suspicion and so often society wants to shame men for being so offensively masculine. For desiring what we desire, for not caring about the things that we’re “supposed” to care about, for not being a safe, civilized creature at every moment.
Maybe some of you are getting where I’m coming from, maybe some of you are not.
When it came time for me to say where I was at, I told them I was tired of talking about how angry I am and how much I hated my job. I just wanted to stop feeling this way and get my power back.
They asked me if I feel a rage inside me that I’m afraid to show because I’m afraid it would scare people or be damaging in some way. I said yes… which is why I probably work so hard to keep myself in check. I’m afraid that if I ever let myself go I’d explode into a very destructive rage.
They said they wanted me to get the rage out. They explained that when they’re in that spot, we as men need to get the rage out in a physical, visceral way. We are not women who can softly sob their problems away – men need something with a little more kick.
Skeptically, I listened and was reluctant to believe whatever they were going to present to me would help, but I was game to try anything. Frankly, when you felt as bad as I was you’re willing to go out on a limb.
They asked if I was ready to get my anger out. I said I would give it a shot.
The guys faced me and packed into a tight huddle. The guy facilitating this little operation said, “OK, here’s the deal. I want you to look inside yourself and get in touch with the source of your anger. Feel it. Recognize it. Do you have it?”
“Yes,” I said with that familiar rage growing inside me.
“Good. Now I want you to push against us as hard as you can. Keep your hands down by your sides, use your shoulders. Keep in touch with that rage and scream from that place deep inside you. Get it out, hold back nothing.”
So on one level I’m thinking, “Are you fucking serious?” But on another I’m thinking, “OK motherfucker, you want to see rage?”
And in a flash I was screaming with such reckless abandon and rage and pushing with such force that I think these guys were worried they had made a very big mistake.
I thought about all the effort I pour into my job that goes unappreciated.
I thought about all the things I’ve done masterfully, only to have my bitch boss pick out something she felt wasn’t perfect and talk down to me like everything I do is shit.
I thought about how my “team” of co-workers connives and tries to undermine me.
I thought about how I get no support from the people who my job requires me to get support from.
I thought about how I’ve wasted so much time at a job that’s beneath me.
I thought about how I’m misunderstood, dismissed and slandered by people who I am forced to deal with.
And I went on and on… screaming and pushing like a lunatic.
I didn’t care though. I mean, when you’re so bitter and depressed that you wish for death just so that you can be relieved of all the pain you feel, looking like a lunatic really doesn’t make a difference.
When I finally stopped, I was standing there trying to catch my breath.
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“Look at the smile on this guy’s face,” one guy said. “Jeez, he looks five years younger,” another guy said.
I didn’t realize I was even smiling. But I felt in that moment like an enormous weight was lifted. I felt free again in that moment.
We talked for a little while afterward. One of the guys had said that I need to get in touch with my context for how I’m living my life. “Holding a good context during the good times and the bad times is what gives a man his strength and his balls to rise above.”
So I’m starting down the path of taking back my power. I have felt better these last few days and I’m making moves to improve my situation…
Now, since this is primarily a site about being successful with picking up women, I should mention that even at my absolute lowest point emotionally, I’ve still been extremely successful at picking up women. I have some cool stories to share and I’ll write them up soon, I just felt like writing about this stuff more than about getting laid a bunch.
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